Marriage

Marriage and divorce are thorny issues in the world, especially in the Catholic Church, as She permits no divorce (although She permits separation in some cases). But this is clear to all of us: no one of goodwill gets married for divorce or separation. There may be persons who don't marry for love, but even they don't intend a break-up.

Ideally, then, marriage is for love: not for convenience, wealth, or status. As Jesus says in today's gospel (Matthew 19:3-12), in marriage the man and the woman become one. “The two become one flesh.” Yet, it doesn’t always happen. Human nature being what it is, things might go wrong. The two might have been mistaken about each other, or their relations prove to be no help to either of them at all. The two don’t always become one. I mean, even in good marriages there are make or break situations. Some survive the storm, some don't. Relationships go sour even among well-intentioned couples.

We know very well the tragic circumstances that surround a break-up. Thinking of the heart-breaks involved in many a break-up, youngsters seem to prefer a non-responsible (I don't mean "irresponsible") live-in relationships. They are not afraid of marriage, but they seem to be afraid of love itself and its demands. For marriage to be a success, certain freedoms that a single person enjoys will have to be given up. But we don’t like giving things up, even when we know they are bad for us.

Marriage entails a commitment that demands exclusivity and reordering of blood relationships. A husband cannot love his parents or family more than his wife. The bond between a man and woman involves the promises to share the joys and all the sorrows and pains of life, shared carrying the cross of married life—in sickness, or in suffering. To grow in mutual love each must increasingly let go of the “self.” We could reformulate one of Jesus’ sayings: “The husband who loses his life for his wife’s sake will find it.”

The marriages that survive the storm produce mature and truly loving people. These couples show the meaning of marriage itself. Marriage is not a contract, but covenantal love. It is not about doing 50 - 50. It is about being ready to do 100%, even when the other spouse is indisposed to give his/her best. These persons show what love is all about, that love has no expectations from the other, and that love is more about sacrifice and surrender than about feelings. As Richard Rohr writes, "Love is not love until you stop expecting something back. The moment you want something in return for your giving, all love is weakened and prostituted."

Mature married people have a lot to teach us, especially the celibates. Life is never about being correct, but only and always about being connected. Just stay connected! At all costs stay connected. This is holiness. Holiness is staying connected at all costs. Similarly, happiness too is about being connected. It doesn't take two people to have a happy marriage. It only takes one: you.